holly wynne approximately

I love it. I just love it. All of it.

After work tonight, I drove down West End toward town to get on the interstate, and at the stop light emerged the perfect view of downtown at night. I had the windows down and I just inhaled deeply and wished I had my camera, but didn’t lament its absence too much.

Then K.D. Lang’s “Constant Craving” came on the radio, and it simply couldn’t have gotten any better. As the concept of craving found itself yet again completely enrobed in her caramelly-warm voice, I figured out that that’s my perpetual state–constant craving. I tried to decide if I was okay with that, realized I was too tired to make that decision, but figured out that it looked pretty good from here.

I moved here because I was craving a life that was the opposite of what mine had become–a continual banging of my head against a brick wall of complacence, intolerance, and ignorance. I craved time to myself, new people, access to music and food and other experiences, and even traffic. I craved open-mindedness and conversations with people who knew what I was talking about when I said the word “Wilco.”

That craving has been satisfied ad infinitum, and I’m still lapping it up. That old familiar longing, though, reared itself not too long ago–the craving for depth. The need to feel like I’m making a difference–like I’m actually going somewhere and doing something for someone other than myself. I’m looking forward to indulging that craving.

I fully anticipate there will be more craving as I immerse myself in my new venture. That’s what’s awesome about teaching, though–it can be as worthless or as meaningful as you want it to be. One of my biggest thrills as a teacher was changing it up all the time–finding ways to convey the significance of what I’m trying to teach. For I, like my students (hopefully), crave the new and different. Constantly.

I crave knowledge. That’s another part of the allure of teaching–I will always be encouraged to go further in my own education. I’ll be pursuing another Masters as part of this next phase. After that, yes, I plan on doing doctoral work (though I haven’t decided yet in what). After that, there are still many options for post-grad work. My craving here will never be fully satisfied.

And that’s probably the most delicious thing about craving–how by definition it is a continuous voracious state–how its end might be anticlimactic, but its very being never is. It’s the opposite of stagnation, of stability…of all those things that terrify me.

I genuinely hope that one day I will allow my cravings for intimacy and commitment (which are admittedly there) to be satisfied. I’ve come nowhere near a satisfying conclusion thus far, though. I’m really good–excellent, even–with short-term commitments. You’ll get my heart and soul–as long as I know the end is in sight.

Case in point: I’m trying to follow this blasted South Beach diet. I spent the first two weeks, in which you basically eat meat and nuts and cheese and some vegetables, nauseated and miserable. (I’m not much of a carnivore, and I’m semi-lactose-intolerant.) But, buddy, I sucked it up and cheated only once. Two weeks I can do. I’m now in Phase 2, though, which is a lot more liberal…but which lasts a lot longer and has no defined end.

Today I drank a lot of Coke and ate some brownies. Some cravings I cannot ignore.

Anyway…there has to be a happy medium for people like me. I look forward to the day when I can agree to a second date without worrying that I’m going to end up getting married against my will, or when I can sign a contract on a great job without a back-up plan. For I know myself too well–I know the cravings for something different, something more will always pop up.

I guess, though, when I’m given the right thing, I’ll know it by the absence of craving. Sigh. I crave that feeling, too.