I’m thinking today about boys, and friends, and boyfriends, and sadness and boredom and disappointment, and odd combinations of all of the above. January gave me my sister and my best friend, but it usually also brings an unhealthy dose of reticence and stagnancy. This year in particular, January has brought me a renewal of one friendship, a deepening of another, a pick up in correspondence with another, lots of doubt and wonder and sometimes worry about what’s next, and a buttload of work that should have distracted me from all of it.

And so, I end up with what are surely stress-induced back spasms, taking a sick day, drinking soy chai, and blogging.

I think I am (we are) always simultaneously at the beginning, in the middle, and at the end of several somethings. My middles are taking over at the moment, though, and the middles are the hardest. The middles are the parts where we’re urged to be the most patient and content with how things are, but without the excitement of a beginning or the peace of an end. January means the middle of the school year and of the dead, dull winter.

My betweens are taking over, too, and that’s the most frustrating. I feel like I’m between two really cool phases of life, and anticipating the next one is exciting, but I’m acutely aware that I should be enjoying this between phase for what it is. It’s just turning out to be a very difficult phase, though I know it has a very important purpose. Thus, I linger and wonder in the between.

And, I’m feeling the not-quites pretty strongly, too. As a teacher, I stay frustrated that certain students (the ones who are not at the apathetic point of no return) could be doing more, understanding more–but they’re either not quite there as students or I’m not quite there as a teacher. The not-quites manifest themselves the most in boys. It’s always just almost–but not quite. I won’t elaborate, but ugh.

So, yeah. Some frustration and lacking being felt around these parts this January. But–February’s coming soon, and then spring, and then, hopefully, some ends and beginnings.

*post title taken from a track of the same name on Caitlin Cary and Thad Cockrell’s Begonias

The president, speaking about one of his signature programs, urged Congress to continue the No Child Left Behind Act, saying, “no one can deny its results.”

Wilco onesies!

I’ve been wanting to do this since I got my hawt new iPod, Rufus. Some of my favorite bloggers have a regular shuffle feature on their blogs or at least regularly post a random music mix. Henceforth, so do I.

Disclaimers: If it’s a spoken word recording or an unlabeled track I do not recognize, I will skip over it. Otherwise, I’m hitting “shuffle” and seeing where it takes me. Also, I’m not reviewing any of the songs with a critic’s pen–it’s basically just going to be free-association. Here we go.

1. “Wish You Were Here,” Pink Floyd. Oh, this is an excellent one to start with. I didn’t really dig Pink Floyd until college, and I only really listened to Dark Side of the Moon then. It wasn’t until I moved to Alabama for grad school that I met some like-minded music fans who passed along this album. This title track is one of my favorite PF songs. I remember listening to my friend Rob play it on his acoustic guitar at gatherings of our friends…it brings back memories of post-9/11 bonding and loneliness and lack of direction in many areas of my personal life. A beautiful, haunting song. The line “two lost souls living in a fish bowl/year after year” always made me sad, as I understood the sentiment but didn’t even have anyone to live in my fish bowl with me.

2. “ghost,” eastmountainsouth. Ack. What are they doing to me? Another vivid reminder of loneliness in Alabama. I “discovered” eastmountainsouth on Reg’s Coffee Shop on a radio station out of Birmingham. I heard their song “Too Soon” and went directly to a computer to order their self-titled and only album. The entire thing is heart-rending and has an unearthly beauty. This particular song, “Ghost,” is one of those that, if you have a broken heart, you listen to with no intention of healing anytime soon. It’s an exquisite pain, though.

3. “Good Night,” The Beatles (Anthology version). I loved the Beatles Anthology albums and the miniseries SO much. You know my Ryan Adams thing of today? Yeah, take that level of obsession and multiply it by the power of unfettered teenage emotion, and you’ve got how I felt about the Beatles in high school. The anthology albums gave me an inside glimpse into a world I could never have been a part of even if I’d been alive when they were still together. This is a sweet song–a rare Ringo track. Though, I must say, it always makes me think of a long-lost friend’s observation that during his whispered part at the end, “he smacks his mouth like an old man.” Eww, but aww.

4. “Will You Love Me Tomorrow?,” Carole King. Raise your hand if you don’t have a copy of Tapestry, whether it’s on vinyl or 8-track or tape or CD or all of the above. Yeah, didn’t think so. It’s the only recording I personally have of hers, and I don’t know a whole lot about her beyond this album. However, anytime I hear her singing one of her originals, I always wonder why in the world she let anyone else try it. (That’s with the obvious exception of James Taylor’s “You’ve Got a Friend.”) This version of this song is gorgeous and aching. Her voice is imperfect, but her interpretation is right on.

5. “Patience,” Guns N Roses. Yes, really. No, it’s not my normal fare, but this is from my sister and her husband’s wedding CD–I think it’s actually their song. Listening to the words makes me remember their awkward late-teens courtship and how my sister was pretty sure from the day she met him that he would be the one. He wasn’t so sure, but several months later when he did finally figure it out, he was head over heels and there was no more appropriate song than this. As I recall, he made her a mix CD with this on it and put a little asterisk by it on the track list. I remember her wondering if the asterisk meant what she thought it did–that he was trying to tell her how he felt through the words of one of his favorite bands. And that alone helped me know this kid was alright. They’ve been married four and a half years now and are expecting their first baby, and he’s become more like the brother I never had instead of a brother-in-law to me. He’s even helped take the edge off my hatred of hair metal. This song makes me smile.

Well, this is a random but solid start. I don’t know how often I’ll do this or how many songs I’ll do each time, but I think I like it. Stay tuned.

Macbook Air.

Just checking in briefly as my chi’ren watch Monty Python and the Holy Grail as a supplement to their unit on Arthurian literature. Oh yes, I just did.

It’s been a long week. Work-wise, it’s almost over for me. I have a lot to say about a lot of things, but I’ve been catching up on grading all day and haven’t actually sat down to breathe all week, so I’ll wait until I can pull it together before writing too much.

Suffice it to say, I hope you have a lovely weekend. My parents are coming to see me! As I get deeper into the semester, I’m having less and less time to go anywhere and do anything. They’re kindly coming to me. Plus…being in Nashville with family just makes it so much harder to come back here and resume the daily drudgery.

I’m making lots of plans and thinking lots of thoughts and realizing lots of realizations and hoping lots of hopes. Stay tuned. Be careful out there.

I’m just sick about this. The above photo is from his portrayal of one of Bob Dylan’s aspects in I’m Not There, a film I loved. I loved his performance in it. He wasn’t one that automatically got me into the theater usually, but I had come to really respect the actor he was turning out to be.

Indeed, I had come to appreciate his representation of my generation’s talent. We were born the same year.

My best to his little girl and all who loved him as a person.

Today, the music in the Java Cafe decided to be perfect for me. As I write, the song I alluded to in the title here is playing and I sat for the first minute or so of it staring out the window…that was only after impulsively looking around to see if anyone else recognized the singer or the song or the longing that was coming through the speakers.

Of course, no one did. Except for me.

I came here on this morning of Dr. King’s day to do the work that I hadn’t done this weekend. Edie Brickell greeted me as I walked in the doors, and Rufus Wainwright guided me to my table with my coffee and muffin. Five for Fighting reminded me of a bittersweet time, then Ryan Adams reminded me of how I hope it’s going to be.

I tend to live too much in the future…or the past…or the way I wish it were. I don’t plan on stopping that anytime soon. I don’t think I could be wired any other way. I have a good life here, and it’s getting better with the realization that the burdens of the entire educational system do not rest on my shoulders alone. In my mind, though, I continually retreat to my coffee shop in the mountains. Indeed, “coffee-shop-in-the-mountains” has become a sort of oft-mumbled mantra–it’s what my soul cries instead of “uncle” when the daily drudgery is too much.

For now, though, the little coffee shops I patronize regularly in this area are lifesavers. Maybe the staff doesn’t know who my favorite singer is or what’s going on inside me, but they manage to provide me with the haven–and fuel–I need to mull it all over…or at least get the work done I need to get done in order to have time later to do my mulling.

As you can probably guess, I’ve done more mulling this morning than working.

[Brief break to acknowledge that there is now an acoustic version of Gnarls Barkley's "Crazy" by Ray LaMontagne playing. It's best I not comment on this. I'll just say it somehow...works.]

But yes, mulling lots of things over this morning. They range from the creepy and troubling to the
hopeful and delicious. And, somehow, they thus far have managed to cancel each other out–aided by a soy caramel macchiato–into a nice peacefulness. Honestly, there’s something peaceful even in the longing.

[This is insane. They're now playing "In My Life." How does this even happen?]

I’m not ready to abandon the longing. And that’s fortunate, as I won’t be able to for a while. I’ve complained since the beginning of this long winter about the dearth of…anything in this area and in my life. Without getting into specifics, I’ve been presented with some “somethings” lately, somethings that would be nice and good and happy. But, you know what…I don’t want just something, either.

Thus, I keep mulling and longing and hoping and praying…and teaching and grading and planning. And dancing where the stars go blue. It’s what I do. I probably always will–even in my coffee shop in the mountains.

This week, I have been spanked by NCLB for offenses I did not commit. A meeting Tuesday after school that I missed all but the first few minutes of produced some pretty severe drama in our English department and a LOT more work (even on top of the most recent LOT more work that’s been given us lately) to ensure we’re adequately teaching to the test.

Then, I started my night classes back up and was given the syllabi that ensured that any time I might have left after orchestrating pretests, matching standards, analyzing post-tests, documenting demographics from said post-test analysis, and oh yeah, teaching…well, looks like I’m going to have to invent some time.

Then then, an unbloggable issue at work creeped me out Friday and I still feel icky.

Enough of that. Somehow, there always ends up being proportional coolness to ickiness.

My seniors have seemed in the past few days to appreciate my personality. Respect is still an issue, but I think that will always be the case. I started out really mean this time around. That was the advice I’d received when I first started teaching here, but I couldn’t stomach it at first. Now, I can stomach it. After the first week or so of their responding to my every correction with laughter or a “oh, she gonna snap!” and after standing my ground, I’m finally seeing them laugh with me instead of at me.

That’s a huge step. I’m gonna go with that.

Also, a post-observation meeting with the principal went very positively–he had very kind things to say about how I taught the day he observed. It was weird and unexpected, but very nice.

Today, I got to spend some time with my sister and her husband–they had come to a seminar at my old alma mater and met me halfway for lunch. I really miss them a lot, but as we sat over lunch and then coffee, I realized what a neat grown-up relationship we all have together, and how comfortable I felt venting to them and hearing their perspectives. They’re so funny and such a great team. I cannot wait to see how this kid turns out.

After saying goodbye to them, I didn’t really want to return home yet. I wanted to go to Memphis. To buy an Elvis CD.

I’ve never had an Elvis CD before. I’ve always been a member of the Beatles faction. He tried to deport the Beatles. I could not support that. More lately in life, though, I’ve realized it’s apples and oranges and sometimes, you just need an Elvis fix. It seemed criminal to buy mine anywhere but the place where it all began.

I headed west on I-40, ringing up a knowledgeable friend to ask advice along the way. He gave me good advice–get the first Sun Records recording. I poked around a music store in Midtown, but nothing really grabbed me. So, I headed to Sun itself. I found the recording I believe he was speaking of, but it was more than I wanted to pay. Plus, the line was moving very slowly, and when I have too much time to think, I usually duck out. A quick cost-benefit analysis inspired me to do that very thing, and I headed out.

Long story short, I ended up stopping at another music store and picking up the number ones compilation from a few years ago. Yeah, that’s all commercialized and stuff, but all I really need is the stuff I know for now. Elvis wasn’t really known for his albums as wholes–I mean, he basically incarnated rock and roll with one song.

So, my iPod is going to somehow feel more complete soon. And…I’m doing pretty well myself. I’m taking pressures off myself–very gradually–that were making me miserable. I’ve renewed a friendship lately that has provided me with some laughter and support I didn’t completely realize I needed. Today, I allowed myself to drive to Memphis–yes, even with papers I needed to grade and with gas prices the way they are. And now, I have an Elvis CD for the first time ever.