Feel-Good Friday, Part Deux/Up at 3:30 AM Version

It, of course, occurred to me that if I were going to post 300 Ryan Adams videos, one of them should at least be the one that references Halloween since it’s now…Halloween. This is one of my favorite RA songs anyway, and I’m totally feeling it this year. And this video is filled with delicious little bits of irony, as is the song itself (“guitar solo!”).

More Halloweeny-Feel-Good goodness at jane q.’s, Ginger’s, and Ron’s as of right now.

Oh, and happy Halloween to you–I’ll be rocking the hipster redneck at the DBTs tonight, but you all have fun with your reflective tape and razor blades.

Feel-Good Friday, Cardinology Double Dose Edition: Born Into A Light

I totally forgot about FGF when I posted that last video, so I decided to expose you to another song from Cardinology with a little more intention and purpose. I will attempt to properly review the album later, but I’m too busy staring at my iPod in amazement to stop playing it and write about it.

I loved this song and its good vibes from the very first note. Ryan is acting all Zen lately, and that makes me happy for him. After all the emo around these parts lately, I think I’ll join him for at least the length of this concert performance I found on YouTube.

FOR EVERYTHING THAT’S WRONG
THERE IS A WORRIED MAN
THERE IS A REASON WHY
AND WE JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND, BUT WILL…
YOU GOTTA KEEP THE FAITH
BE PATIENT, OH THE PAST
IS JUST A MEMORY, AND HEAL,
HEAL YOUR VINES, YOU’LL HEAL INSIDE EVENTUALLY

WE WERE BORN INTO A LIGHT
WE WERE BORN OF LIGHT
WE WERE BORN INTO A LIGHT

FOR EVERYONE ALONE I WISH YOU FAITH AND HOPE
AND ALL THE STRENGTH TO COPE
TO BE YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND
HAVE CONFIDENCE AND KEEP THE FAITH
BE PATIENT, OH THE PAST
IS JUST A MEMORY, AND HEAL,
HEAL YOUR VINES, YOU’LL HEAL INSIDE EVENTUALLY

WE WERE BORN INTO A LIGHT
WE WERE BORN INTO A LIGHT
WE WERE BORN OF LIGHT
WE WERE BORN INTO THE LIGHT

"Fix It" Live on Letterman

More later, but for now, this album is ROCKING MY FACE OFF.

Worth it.

Thinking too much, as I am wont to do. Thinking about what makes something worth it. We say “it” (whatever “it” is) is worth it for this reason or that reason alone. It’s worth it because we learned something. It’s worth it because at least one good thing came out of it.

Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Something like that.

I once had this non-boyfriend–I think I’ve told you about him before. First “love,” all that. Well, “love” on my end–not so much on his. To him, I was worth long talks in the dark shadows of campus. He always wanted to pick my brain and know what I thought of this or that. I was worth the time it took to do so…but not worth being seen as his girlfriend in public.

Years later, I was confused about another fellow. He confessed feelings for me and then promptly moved to the southern part of the state. After deciding I was interested as well, we had several agonizing conversations in which he would repeatedly say things like “I would totally be with you if I still lived there.” I believed it for a while, even. Eventually, he married someone more conveniently located. It’s a good thing–he and I would not have worked out anyway, and we continue to maintain a friendship now. It just, at some point, begged the question for me–would I only have been “worth it” if I, too, lived within a short driving distance? I long ago realized that I want a whole lot more than that from a relationship–in fact, everyone should.

It’s a really weird thing to think about in terms of relationships. Distances are hard, don’t get me wrong. In fact, on paper, I count myself among those who “don’t believe in” long-distance relationships. As a friend said recently, being alone in a long distance relationship is even more painful than being alone, period.

But…what if it’s worth it? I mean, in the end?

I don’t know. I’m not trying to go all dwelling-in-the-past, I’ve-been-cheated-been-mistreated on your tail, promise. On the flip side, there are so many situations that I’ve been in that were, against all reason, so worth it. When I was an undergrad English major with long stringy hair, I believed that feelings in and of themselves were worthwhile…were “worth it,” even if their end result was the need for therapy and/or antidepressants.

Not so sure now. But I know that there have been some emotions, some exchanged glances, some kisses, some words…well, I’d rather have lived them than not. I think, for me, it boils down to whether or not I was true to myself in those moments. If I meant the words–if I weren’t giving up a part of myself just so someone would tolerate my presence–if my heart felt at home–well, I could handle the pain later. Because it was my pain. It wasn’t some needy feeling acting as a surrogate for the lack of authentic emotion.

And I guess that’s what I want. I want to be worth it for someone. I want to be worth distance, and fear, and commitment, and potential heartbreak. Because I believe love–or even potential real love–is worth all of the above and worse.

Love is worth it. Bottom line.

I made you a mixtape.

Not you, you. I’m just thinking of those words and how many times I’ve said them and how many times I’ve had them said to me. I said them recently, in a bit of an ironic tone–actually, it was more like Napoleon saying “I caught you a delicious bass” at the end of the movie. But–the sentiments behind my selections were anything but ironic, as it should be when you’re putting together a little microcosmic representation of yourself for someone you care about.

First, though, let’s get the basic mixtape philosophy from one of my boyfriends, John Cusack, in High Fidelity:

The making of a great compilation tape, like breaking up, is hard to do and takes ages longer than it might seem. You gotta kick off with a killer, to grab attention. Then you got to take it up a notch, but you don’t wanna blow your wad, so then you got to cool it off a notch. There are a lot of rules.

I must admit I don’t always follow those rules, but for mixtape novices, I couldn’t offer better advice. I, personally, have been making them since they actually were tapes and foisting them off on unwitting bffs and family members and potential soulmates and erstwhile boyfriends and…just about everyone I’ve ever cared about.

As I told my last recipient, music is sort of my language–my currency, if you will–for letting you get to know me. I can blog all day, but I will never get to the root of what I’m trying to tell you like a Ryan Adams song can. I can take personality tests and fill out surveys (or blog memes) of all my favorite things, but I can never encapsulate the essence of what I love about words and music and life like “The Weight” by The Band can.

Incidentally, that’s a song that rarely ever gets left off a mixtape made by me.

If I give you a mixtape, it usually means that I’m trying to “introduce” myself to you. It usually means that you’re “in,” and I want you to know me now the way I see myself. It’s going to have stuff on it that means something to me, but I will also try to tailor it so that you’re not completely miserable listening to it if our tastes are different. And, of course, a mixtape would not be a mixtape without those little lyrical messages you want to get across without having to say them yourself.

I’m also thinking about the mixtapes I’ve gotten from people. It’s a common occurrence among my immediate family members, who all in one way or another value music to just about the same degree I do. Mixtapes have been my goodbyes before as well. They have been themed–I once made a mixtape for all my friends who had been around for the five years I spent in Alabama that contained highlights of the music that had meant the most to me during that time. And I have so perfected the art of the introductory Ryan Adams sampler–I’ve not failed to make a new fan yet.

I remember a random mixtape I got in the mail from “the one who got away”–long after he got away. It had Timbuk3’s “I Love You in the Strangest Way” on it, and in a phone conversation a while later, I mentioned that song. “It just makes me think of…something…” I remember saying. He paused and said, “Well, I put it on there for a reason.” The silence that followed that sentence, haunted by the ghost of the lyrics and our past, said more than either of us had ever been able to say in our agonizing, sometimes-tedious, hopeless conversations from long before.

My most recent mixtape…well, it doesn’t take a lot of intuition for you all to know that things have been kind of rough around these parts lately. Some things I just don’t blog. I put a lot of my heart into both the recipient and the music selection this last time. I don’t think that little disc is all that will endure from this time in our lives…but even if it is somehow, I can know the music will continue to speak for me when I cannot.

Sappy Saturday: If I Had $1000000-Barenaked Ladies

As you know, last week I invented in my inventive way a new meme for myself here at For Lack of a Better Word: Sappy Saturday. Today’s is going up a little early, much like I always do my FGF on Thursday evening. Tomorrow, I’ll be getting up early to go to my second hometown, Florence, AL, to visit the most beautiful and perfect baby in the world, so I thought I’d go ahead and throw this up there now.

As for the song–well, it reminds me of driving around in that very town, listening to some live version that a station out of Birmingham would play. It always made me smile then–it just felt like the kind of love I expected to have with my someone someday. It’s taken on other meanings since; I may never have that someone, but the thought of a simple, quirky love that values a shared interest in dijon ketchup…I’m just glad to know it’s out there.

Feel-Good Friday: Jason Mraz, "You And I Both"

See, I’m all about them words.

Jason Mraz has long been a guilty pop pleasure for me. Then again, not so guilty, as I think he has some of the most brilliant word concoctions going. And his voice is dreamy. I picked this one because it’s a guaranteed smile for me, which I definitely need, but in watching, realized it said some things frightfully relevant for me now.

So, turn it up, do a little tap dance, and enjoy an unironic smile on Jason and me.

It’s okay if you have to go away
Just remember the telephones, well
They’re working in both ways
And if I never ever hear them ring
If nothing else I’ll think the bells inside
Have finally found you someone else and
That’s okay…

I used to live alone before I knew ya.

Sometimes, when it’s all up in the air, it all comes crashing down and shatters. Sometimes, though, a piece breaks off and falls softly. Like a cold and broken “hallelujah.”

Sometimes, when you want clarity, when it arrives, it’s what you knew was coming but didn’t actually want.

I’ve spent lots of time lamenting love and the loss of and the lack of. Sometimes, though, the loss of the hope of love is even more devastating.

But, just like the weary sentiment in the song mentioned above, there’s a calm acceptance–a relief, even. Because, with the breaking comes the inherent imminent healing. I believe that.

And I believe it’s worth it.

So emo.

Today I nearly decided to take an internet break. I’ve done it before, and it was a good thing to do at the time. I have so much to do that I’m so behind on. Plus, as I’ve mentioned, I’m kind of angsty. That has not improved.

I realized, though, that between Twitter and stressing out, I haven’t been writing. I was telling a friend a few days ago that my blog has become quite bipolar, vacillating between Feel-Good Friday posts and “I’m SO confused and conflicted and miserable and waaaaahhh!” posts. That’s all I seem to have, or make, time for anymore.

Sorry.

I’ve just never been this up in the air about so many important things at once. I keep feeling like something’s gonna break. I don’t know if that terrifies or enlivens me, but there it is.

In any case, instead of taking a break, I realized I probably should be writing more. I’m going to try.

Sappy Saturday: Bright Eyes, "First Day of My Life"

Because I missed Feel-Good Friday yesterday, and because I have to share this video that I nicked from an old friend’s blog even though it’s not a get-up-and-dance kind of song, and because I’m more of a softy lately than I’ve been probably in years, I’m creating my own blog video meme: Sappy Saturday.

This is one of the most beautiful videos I’ve ever seen on these here internets. I have to go cry and smile wistfully at my cat now.