In which I start wearing pajama pants early on New Year’s Eve.

Yes, somehow, I’ve ended up with no plans tonight. I think I thought that once I moved back here, I’d have all these offers for socializing and I’d have to pick and choose. And, in fact, my life has been blessed with lots of friends, new and old, since I moved back and I have rarely been in want of company. New Year’s Eve snuck up on me, though, and–well, here I am.

It’s all good, as I seem to be more of a hermit lately than ever, and that’s saying something. A lot of it is getting old, some of it is the migraines, and some of it is my finally accepting that I’m a homebody and that that’s okay. It’s mainly my mind and heart and spirit that like to wander out and about, it seems. That’s a lot more fun.

Speaking of staying in, I’m going to be doing a lot more of it in 2009. I re-budgeted last night, and it is SO not pretty. There are several unfortunate items in my financial repertoire, but the most so is the credit card bill I rang up when I moved. Uhhh…so, that’s my fault. I needed stuff. (Maybe I should have listened to the naysayers when they questioned my Wii. I still contend they’ll be sorry when they see how HOT the Wii Fit makes me, but whatev.)

In any case, I’m going to have to be more conscious of where my money goes in the year to come. Which means less eating out, more menu planning, less spontaneous downloading from iTunes (which I think will hurt more than anything), and NO pulling out of the Visa card. Which means…er, being even more of a hermit, I imagine.

But that’s okay too. Something else I’ve got to work on is just sitting down and getting all my work done. I’m always so drained after a school day that I usually say, “oh, I’ll just grade when I get home.” Then…I don’t. Because I’m drained. Then I get really stressed and overwhelmed, and the migraines get worse, and sometimes I cry. I’ve been fantasizing about a job where I could go to work, work, and then go home–well, I don’t have one of those jobs, but I could take some steps to move it more in that direction. Which means–sigh–staying after school until the work gets done. I already stay about an hour afterward–I’ll just have to stay longer if need be.

Which means I’ll be even more of a hermit and spend less money…wheeeeeee! See how this all works together?

Speaking of, er, money and migraines and budgeting and getting old…I had an appointment with a TMJ specialist this morning. I learned SO MUCH in the three hours I was there–turns out, my jaws are MESSED UP. That, I knew. I also knew TMJ disorder could affect a lot of things, but the doctor really brought home just how, repeat, MESSED UP I am because of my MESSED UP jaws. It’s possible that I’m this way because of an injury when I was 4–that, I did NOT know, and it’s scary.

In any case, everything he said made a lot of sense and I don’t want to get my hopes up, but it sounds like he can help me. I’m just waiting to find out if my insurance will come through . My mom said she and my dad will help me if not, but I hate for them to do that since they’ve taken up so much of the slack in my financial situation already. I think this may be the key to a lot of my pain, though, and I really, really want to be able to get the treatment. By the way, thanks to Newton for turning me on to the guy. I love the blog-a-spherr.

Well, this has certainly been a self-obsessed stream-of-consciousness, but that’s this blog in a nutshell, I suppose. Sounds like I’m going to be kind of boring this coming year, but I’m kind of looking forward to it. And it looks like I’m ending 2008 and starting 2009 in an appropriate manner for such.

If I get too boring and you stop reading, I’ll understand . But, one more thing before I go be boring some more–thank you for reading thus far. For almost two years now, this thing has been essential to my sanity, whether it’s been boring or annoying or repetitive or freaky or whatever to you. I don’t know what it’s like to be on the other side of it, but it means a lot on my side that you choose to be there. Happy new year, all.

P.S. Gratuitous pic of Dorian sitting on a pizza box:

2008, Holly-style.

I was just reading last year’s recap in light of how 2008 actually turned out. Hmmm.

I enjoyed 2008. I moved back to Nashville in 2008! But I’m getting ahead of myself. I guess, like last year, I’ll try to review in order. Also like last year, this one’s all about me–my “take” on the year’s events is not all that coveted. Not that my memories of myself are, but I have a little more authority to speak of such.

Honestly, the first part of the year is a blur now. I was so ready to not be living where I was living anymore that the name of the game was survival. I remember growing attached to my seniors, learning who my true friends were (and, most decidedly, weren’t), and basically mentally checking out. There was all the crazy weather–tornadoes and ice storms and such–and as traumatic as that could have been, it somehow felt appropriate to be stuck at home, by myself except for Dorian, with the world going crazy right outside my window.

Spring brought The Great Sushi Fiasco of Aught Eight, as well as possibly my favorite weekend trip I’ve ever taken. I was also thrown under the bus at my place of employment, but it was for the good, so I’ll just shrug and move on from that.

Summer brought a move back to my beloved city and the opportunity to meet my magical blogger friends. I don’t think I have to tell you my favorite thing that happened this summer, though. It changed everything for the better.

Of course, the same day we got Marley, I got a job. It’s a job I now hate, but that’s just par for the course when you’re me and poor and tired and ready for something big and great to happen. And, honestly, I miss it when I’m not doing it and I get excited about ways to improve it. That’s what I’m going to spend the next week on, actually.

Anyway, said job allowed me to finally procure my Nashville address. My little apartment is my little haven, and I’ve already been able to fill it with memories. I look forward to more.

I’m going to leave several things in 2008–some things I lost, some things I gave away, some things I let slide. For the most part, I’m fine being rid of all of them.

I predicted that this was going to be a good year. I was right. I got a few things wrong–the bff and I never made it on our road trip, as we both were too poor and I was in transition. I wasn’t able to send back unwatched Netflixes much more–that’s just too hard. But I did get a niece . And I did love the Olympics, just as I have every Olympiad since I’ve been aware. In fact, my Olympics experience was all the richer because of Twitter and Google chat and all the fun people who were watching along with me.

The latter part of the year, if you were following, brought quite a bit of emo-blogging. I’d say I was sorry, but it’s my blog, and I’ll emo it up if I want to. I got to borrow some precious time for a fleeting bit. It was nice for a while not to have to wonder if I were beautiful–to know what it was like to be almost completely understood–to be pretty sure that someone was thinking of me at the same time I was thinking of them. To be held, perfectly.

I knew it was just on loan, but I sure did want to keep it.

I’d love to say everything that began in 2008 was wrapped up in a neat little package by the end of the year, but of course that’s not always an option. I feel, though, that I lived this year for the most part with no regrets. I’m not proud of everything I did or said, but I can honestly say as I begin a new year that the one that’s about to leave us was one that I lived. I didn’t have any major revelations or run any marathons, but for better or worse, I did a lot more questioning and heart-following than I have in a long time. Consequently, I did a lot of hurting. Again–par for the course.

Next year, I’m hoping for some more changes for the better. I’m hoping for more peace than I’ve had in a while. I know I can’t just hope–I have to make it happen or, possibly, allow it to happen. I’m working on that too.

Something else I’m working on? Being okay with 2009’s milestone–age-wise, I mean. But I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it. Even if I’m wigging out about turning 30 in August, by October I should be at least a little comforted by paying my car off.

I just hope I still have a job. I’ve developed a not-completely-irrational fear of losing my job. Or of having to keep it for too much longer. Oh boy.

I just can’t be satisfied. I don’t see that changing in 2009 or anytime soon.

Master of my domain.

For Lack of a Better Word is now coming to you LIVE from www.hollywynne.com.

Feel-good Friday: Leona Naess – Leave Your Boyfriends Behind

The video’s kind of lame, but I’m loving the CD it’s from, Thirteens. I had the pleasure of seeing Ms. Naess opening for Ray LaMontagne at the Ryman a couple of months ago. I already liked her just fine, but the one album I had of hers was not exactly what I had wanted it to be when I bought it. That night, though, she was so good it hurt, and her latest follows suit.

Incidentally, this song is on the album twice–once toward the beginning, and once at the end. The latter instance is a nice surprise, as her ex-fiance (and the tormentedly tormenting love of my life), Ryan Adams, makes a guest appearance sporting his sleepy-sexy voice.

It’s a fun song with some surprisingly deep lyrical turns in the verses.

P.S. I don’t do Christmas after the fact, so forgive me for not even attempting a holiday video. It’s a…thing, I don’t know. Sorry.

Someday…

This is where my dreams are this Christmas…

Christmas smiles.

Today, I have many reasons to smile. Just a few:

• Yesterday, I got an email informing me that my dear friend Leeann had donated in my honor to Tennessee Bloggers for Education. As burned out with public education as I am, it is still something I fiercely support. The irony, of course, is that as a public educator I don’t have a lot extra to give to such a cause myself. I put the widget on my blog (to the right and down a bit there), though, to at least draw some attention to it. Special thanks to Christian for all of his work on this project. Super-special thanks to Leeann for such a thoughtful present.
• I guess it’s okay to talk about this since she posted it as her Facebook status yesterday (and we all know that makes it official)…my friend, and yours, the girl who never updates her blog but it’s because she’s obviously got quite a bit of life to live outside of it–Emily’s engaged! I’ve been waiting for this for a while. Actually, quite a few of us have. Emily and Sid are a great couple on many levels, and I can only imagine the fun, friendship, and mayhem that await them. Congrats, guys.
• A couple of hours after reading Emily’s changed status, I read that my friend Sarah–who was one of my bff co-teachers in The Wasteland–had changed hers as well. This is another one that’s been coming a while–she and Will are two peas in a pod–but there’s nothing like the little thrill that comes at knowing someone you love has just experienced one of the most exciting and life-altering moments she ever has or ever will. Congrats to you guys, too!
• Benjamin Button. Saw it today. No clue what the critics are saying or what I “should” think of it–it’s breathtaking. I loved Fitzgerald as an undergrad, but I’d forgotten what exquisite, tragic beauty he wrought from words and love and truth. This movie reflects that. And I’m a fool for such.
• This little girl, who’s having her first Christmas and is coming to see me tomorrow:

Oh, I just realized that I’ve gone and written a Thankful Thursday without meaning to. That’s a nice path to have found myself upon. My best for your Thursday and your Christmas.

My Wii and me.

I know, I know. I’m not exactly the Wii “type.” Whatever that is. I never had so much as a Nintendo when I was a kid–we had some Tandy computer with joysticks that we played a game called “Dragon Fire” on. And, you know, I kind of just liked to hide in my room and read anyway. Every once in a while, though, on the rare occasions I was invited to someone’s house, I might play Mortal Kombat on the Sega Genesis or something. I enjoyed it, but I admit that was a big chunk of childhood that most kids of my generation had that I just didn’t–and didn’t really notice the lack of.

Also, right up front, I’m going to go ahead and acknowledge that yes, I’m a public school teacher, and no, I don’t have the money for a new Wii. I’ve had more than one person call me out on that, and I’m starting to kind of resent it. Not that I should have to explain myself, but I have awesome grandparents who every year give us a chunk of our inheritance–they’ve said they’d rather us spend it while they’re still alive–so I knew I’d be able to pay myself back for it at Christmas if I went ahead and bought it. So I did.

Moving along, I ordered a bundle from Amazon the week after Thanksgiving. The main thing I was interested in was the Wii Fit. I liked everything I’d heard about how it keeps track of your weight and BMI and, in the yoga poses, provides a visual of your center of balance, among other features. I like the idea of actually seeing progress–I’m a very visual thinker, but I’m terrible at keeping track of things. This seemed like a good–and fun–investment in my health.

I’m loving it so far! Jamie helped me inaugurate the system one evening with some competitive bowling, and after she left, I got started on the Fit. While I did NOT exactly enjoy being labeled “obese” right off the bat, I immediately felt good about the purchase. I like the instant feedback, but also the longterm goal-setting.

And, today, I got to share the joy with my parents. I’m at their place today through Sunday, and I thought I’d bring the Wii for the family to enjoy. My mom, dad, and I spent all afternoon duking it out–more bowling, some boxing, a few innings of baseball, etc.

I’m sore.

I’m looking forward to my sister and brother-in-law getting here because they love this kind of thing but don’t have a Wii. I’m just looking forward to them getting here and bringing my real favorite toy, but I guess that’s beside the point.

My Christmas Eve has been lovely in ways not involving a gaming system, as well. Dorian had a good visit at the vet’s, and I’m confident his (routine) tests will return normal in a couple of days. I finished my Christmas shopping with no trauma this morning. And my parents took me to a hibachi grill! They’d never been, but they really liked it.

My family does Christmas in a pretty low-key way, and that’s worked well, especially this year with all the rain and such. I’m very thankful that everyone I love is healthy and safe and employed. I complain a lot, but I’m thankful for the same things for myself.

I hope you’re enjoying your holiday, wherever you are and whether you have a Wii or not .

The Beatles – Christmas time (is here again)

Well, after all the awkwardness, I decided some happy Christmasness was in order. And we can all agree on the Beatles, no?

This is probably my favorite Christmas song, at least of the non-traditional variety.

Another open letter to Lightning 100.

Dear Lightning 100,

It’s not like me to issue an ultimatum on a relationship. Ask pretty much any boy who’s had the misfortune to catch my fancy–I don’t linger on my way out the door once it’s established that’s where I’m headed.

I wanted to give you more of a chance, though. But, today, though I’ve written an email and taken your blasted surveys and given you fair warning, you made the choice to play a John Mellencamp song…er, I don’t even remember which one, as they all kind of sound the same to me. This, of course, was the last straw; I have other reasons–reasons that I keep typing a paragraph about and then erasing because it seems catty–that I think this is best for both of us.

Yes, the sticker came off the window. And 100.1 was removed from my station presets. (Well, that last part is kind of a lie, as it’s still there for the sake of my iPod car dock.)

We had some really good years, though, me and you. I used to look forward to your signal becoming clearer on my way in to visit friends here in Nashville–this was when you were that other station…the one before the current incarnation. I was in the middle of a musical taste sea change, and you were a refuge from the Nickelback-infused mundanity of “alternative” stations back where I was from.

I moved here a few years later, and you played Mat Kearney’s “Nothing Left to Lose” to welcome me. You introduced me to local songwriters, and you played the ones I’d met myself and let me squeal when I heard someone I actually knew in person on the radio. You played deeper cuts of Dylan and Neil Young when “classic rock” stations wouldn’t; you had DJs who knew who Gram Parsons was, and playing Gillian Welch was commonplace, and of course Ryan Adams was a staple. And I still love hearing Doyle’s Indie Underground picks, but I’m sad that they’re relegated to one hour on a Saturday night.

But now? John Mellencamp? He’s not the only one, of course–he just happens to be someone I personally cannot stand musically–but unfortunately, inclusion of such has become the rule instead of the exception. The Coug, for me, is really just synecdoche for the mushy-cold-oatmeal mainstreaming of what was once a standout station. I listened to WRLT so I wouldn’t have to hear John Mellencamp. Now, I turn it on, and I may as well be listening to Jack FM (no offense intended toward the latter–I’m merely contrasting the intended format).

Oh, but come now–let’s hug it out. It is nearly Christmas, after all. A breakup during the holidays truly is the last thing either of us needs, but soon it will be a new year, and it’s a good time to cut unhealthy ties. I’ve held on, hoping you’d change, but I now know you just have to be who you are.

I do, too. Now, if you’ll excuse me, Rufus needs some TLC. Er…yeah…we’re getting a little more serious lately. Hope that doesn’t hurt you too much.

I’m sure you’ll find a lover that won’t drive you crazy.

*ahem*

Thanks for everything,

Holly

This commercial IS Christmas.

I haven’t seen it on actual TV yet this year, which makes me wonder if it’s finally been retired. Though I cannot bear that thought, I’m at least going to do my little part to keep Peter’s spirit alive.

H/T: I tweeted about this last night, and my friend Sarah YouTubed it for me.