I have a history of saying “never” and a split second later, doing the exact thing I was “never”-ing. When I’m thinking about something I’d previously closed my mind to, for some reason, I tend to wake up shortly thereafter and do that very thing.
I’ve often found myself giddy over some boy who had characteristics that weren’t on “the list”–you know, the one all girls say they don’t have but really do. I said I would never teach again, but, well, you see where I am and what I’m doing. Those are gradual changes, though, that make sense with time.
Often, though, it’s a very quick and ironic turnaround. I had just made the decision to keep my ’95 Escort for a couple more years, as I really didn’t need a car payment, when I totaled it and ended up buying the Focus. I will take an oath that I will never diet again, and then the next week, I’ll buy the latest diet bestseller and just know that this is the one that will get the weight off for good. Just a couple of weeks ago, I walked by a Claire’s store and on impulse went in and got my cartilage pierced, though I’d just been talking to a friend about how I was going to wait for her and we’d go get me pierced together.
By the same token, yesterday I read this post by Malia. I left a comment about how blogging was something I did to make time for myself and keep perspective on things.
And now, the turnaround.
I think I need to not blog for a while.
What brought me here? A couple of things I’d rather not go into. Plus, maybe my introversion is catching up with me. Putting myself out there, while therapeutic, also weirds me out sometimes. I’m afraid it also might put those I love into weirded-out positions.
It’s the struggle I’ve faced my whole life with this writing thing–words are what I love the most. They’re what hurt me the most, and inspire me the most, and embarrass me the most. I feel like, if developed, writing is a talent I could have someday. That was part of the aim of this crazy blogging venture to begin with. Sometimes I wonder if I should be using that talent for something else…though I don’t know what that something is yet. I’m going to think about that for a bit, if it’s all the same to everyone.
Is this the end? I don’t know. I just honestly don’t. And I really am okay with that.